Month: March 2016

Emotional Compatibility Matters

r8Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself fighting hard to get a relationship off the ground? You are sure it has the makings of a meaningful partnership so you invest time, encouragement and most of all love in the person concerned. Your mind is set and any doubts that flutter past are waved away because you are convinced you are doing the right thing with the right person. And maybe for a short while you are, but what happens next confuses you because it is unexpected, it creeps up, slaps you in the face.

Even though in your heart you feel you love this person, you also know they are very lucky to have you loving them, because you believe in yourself and your capabilities. So, when after a flying start – where affection and time are lavished on you – an empty vacuum opens up, you become bewildered as to why this could possibly happen. They still smile at you in that way and want to make love to you every night.

But you feel something is missing. You search for what had been, bustle around, placating them and trying to make sure all their needs are met – but they don’t seem to give much in the way of return. In fact they behave as if nothing has changed and carry on buying you flowers and hoping for routine intercourse as if this is all the stimulation you need from a relationship.

What has happened is plain to see in retrospect: they feel they have you in the bag. You are in their life, in their bed and on their mind. They do not need to do anything more. You are theirs. They need sex, but require less mental and emotional stimulation than you, so they wrongly feel that sex is the main stimulus you need too.

It is not. You are vibrant, intelligent and thoughtful. What on earth would possess them to feel the work is done?

This is a scenario which has happened to me and I am sure you too. At the time it happens, however, you are often so embroiled in the relationship it is difficult to see the wood for the trees. It becomes easier to blame yourself. You must be inadequate in some way; ungrateful in some way; spoilt in some way. In short you begin to believe it must be your fault. After all, how could your perception of this person have been so out of kilter?

Do You Love Your Partner to Bits and Pieces

r7Do you perceive yourself as a bottomless barrel, needing love and yet more love, willing to sacrifice yourself to whoever seeks your company – to the point of being left time and again heart-broken, alone and miserable?

In today’s uncertain world it is so reassuring and comforting to be with someone, have a partner, be in a relationship, feeling both psychologically as well as financially secure and cared for. But then, if the endless need for love drives you to sacrifice yourself, “fall in love” time and again only to be left alone, once more, maybe after being abused, manipulated and lied to, feeling depressed, tired, disillusioned and disappointed, you may want to ask yourself:

What’s going on? How do I fall in this trap time and again? What can I do to stand on my own two feet, to feel comfortable in my own skin without rushing to find a partner?

It might well be that through your rapid and endless search for partner(s) you have never taken the time to contemplate these issues. However now, if you feel that you “had it”; that you can’t “tolerate these repeated occurrences time and again”; that you need “to do something in order to change this cycle!” – then the time is ripe for you to take a careful look into what’s going on and what you can do to change it.

Becoming self-aware is the way to find out what’s going on and how to change

You may ask yourself: Watt’s going on? How come that, in spite of my wishes and willingness to be in a relationship I seem to fail time and again? How come that in spite of the energy and good will that I invest in a partner I find myself, time and again, alone? How come that, in spite of giving myself 100%, “they” don’t seem to appreciate what I give them and after some time they leave?

And you ask yourself: What didn’t I do for love? What didn’t I sacrifice at the altar of the relationship?

Now, that you ask yourself these – and other, questions – it is the right time for you to find out and give yourself the answers. This process – of finding out – will ensure that you will become able and empowered to finally find a partner with whom to develop and maintain a serious, long-lasting, loving relationship.

The secret of finding out what’s going on, and how to change

The “secret” of finding out what’s going on, what have failed you until now in relationships, and how to change, is a simple one: It is the “secret” of becoming self-aware; of getting to know what made you behave with your partners they way you did; of understanding how you shot yourself in the foot in relationships, and what you need to do in order to stop this cycle from reoccurring and become able to establish a successful intimacy.

As you begin the process of becoming self-aware; as you begin to ask yourself questions; as you begin to contemplate your past relationships, you might find out that you have operated on the basis of some predetermined patterns: That you were there for your partners “no questions asked”; that you gave them as much love as you could; that you pampered and cared for them 24/7.

On the surface these all may look wonderful: Isn’t it true love? Isn’t it the way relationships should be?

Realization and understanding of what went wrong with your relationships

As you continue contemplating and wondering why, in spite of all this love and caring your relationships failed time and again, you might begin to realize and understand the following:

That you didn’t allow your relationships to be mutual, but one-sided; that you sacrificed yourself out of fear of losing your partner; that you were there 100% without taking care of your own needs.

When you realize that this was the way you behaved in all your relationships; that these were patterns you developed, the next step for you is to understand what made you behave that way; what made you develop such patterns:

Being honest with yourself, willing to look deep inside and examine yourself, you might realize that, driven by your endless need for love, appreciation and attention, you built yourself the image of a person who is “totally there for others”; who is “full of love”; who is “understanding, supporting and caring” 100% 24/7!

Nice image, for sure, but at what expense?

At the expense of not “allowing” your partner to develop a mutual relationship with you; of not giving your partner space to reciprocate, and eventually at the expense of failing in your relationships time and again.

The “secret” unveiled, you are now ready to embark on developing a successful relationship

It is when you become aware of your own damaging patterns; of the way in which you have shot yourself in the foot in relationships, that you become empowered to make the necessary changes in your attitudes, in your bottomless need for love (which sabotages you until now), and in your approach to partners and relationships.

How to Free Yourself for a Successful and Loving Intimate Relationship

r6We all love to celebrate Independence Day: fire-works, parties, drinking and eating, being with friends, maybe even with lovers (if we have one at the time). And we keep celebrating Independence Day once a year, year in year out, as if this is something which has been engraved into our yearly routine, became part of our life-style, for ages.

But then, does celebrating Independence Day make us independent, free and able to pursue our own wishes and desires?

To put it more clearly: why are we accustomed to celebrating Independence Day on a regular yearly basis, and have not been accustomed to pursue our own independence on a daily, weekly and monthly basis? How many of us are enslaved in our own behavioral patterns, driving us to sabotage our relationships time and again, without us doing anything to learn what’s going on, what we do wrong, and consequently free ourselves from old patterns, change whatever needs change and empower ourselves to develop a truly healthy, loving and successful intimacy? Why is it so much easy to celebrate our nation’s Independence Day rather than our own?

One simple answer is, that we have learned to celebrate Independence Day from an early age, so it became something we have been accustomed to, while we haven’t learned to develop our own independence, freedom of mind and of expression.

Another explanation is, that it is easy to “join the club” and do whatever others are doing: this doesn’t require any deep thinking on our part; any deep commitment. We do what others do, we feel we belong, we are part of: So easy! So enlightening! So wonderful!

But then, as Independence Day approaches its end, as night falls upon the nation, upon the city, upon us, we go to bed and wake up next morning as if nothing has happened, nothing in us has change: we are still who we were, enslaved in our own habitual ways of doing things, struggling to continue with our search for a successful intimate relationship, looking for a partner who will fulfill our needs and desires, only to realize, once more, that the road to a satisfying relationship is still a long-shot away…

How to become truly independent!

As much as you have become used to celebrate Independence Day on a yearly basis, by the same token you can – even should! – become used to pursue your own independence, on a daily, weekly and monthly basis!

What does this entail?

Pursuing your own independence means, you decide to dig deep into the reasons which have made it difficult for you, until now, to find the relationship you have been looking for. “Digging deep” is not easy – no wonder you might have avoided doing it until now! But then, without looking inside and taking responsibility for your failures in relationships (rather than blaming others or the “circumstances”) you can’t release yourself – free yourself! – from whatever needs, fears, emotions and behaviors have driven you to sabotage your relationships time after time.

Freeing yourself and becoming independent is a first step towards a healthy and successful intimacy

It is only when you understand how you shot yourself in the foot until now, that you become able to take the necessary steps to stop using the same damaging ways in which you have managed yourself until now – ways which have failed your relationships time and again. It is only when you stop these damaging ways from reoccurring that you become able to change in a positive direction. It is only then that you can find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy.

The reason being, that only when you free yourself from your old damaging patterns of thought and behavior; only when you truly understand how you have sabotaged yourself until now, that you are free to begin adopting new ways of interaction, of give-and-take in a relationship.

It is only when you free yourself from your own needs, fears and issues which have dominated your life until now (such as: the endless need to receive love; the fear of being along; the feeling that “without a partner I am worthless”) that you can really take control of your life (rather than having these needs, fears and issues control you), thus make sensible decisions about partners and relationships.

It is when you free yourself and your approach to intimacy from a strength, rather than from a weakness (i.e., driven by fears and needs), that you stop letting yourself fall into relationships which are not for you, (or, even worst, let others take advantage of you or abusing you).

When you have freed yourself from your own damaging issues, and approach intimacy from a strength, you will not continue falling, time and again, into relationships with partners who are not for you who might, at the end of the day, will leave you, once again, alone, disappointed, embittered, sad, wondering “what’s the hell is going on, again?”.

Make your own Independence Day comes true

You don’t need to wait year-long to create your own Independence Day. You can begin creating it right now! Releasing yourself from old damaging habits, fears and needs and taking control of your life is something you shouldn’t wait for “to happen” – since it won’t, unless you initiate it, unless you pave the way to accomplishing it, paving your way to your own independence, and hence to a successful intimacy and to happiness.

The Mask You Wear to Succeed in Relationships Is the One Which Makes You Fail Time and Again

r5If you are one of many who have “created” and “developed” an un-true image of themselves, it is likely that you will have problems establishing an honest and long-lasting intimate relationship.

Let me explain: there are many who, for one reason or another, being driven by one need or another (need for love; for appreciation; for acceptance, etc.) pretend to be not who they really are. They have put a mask on themselves, attempting to project – to themselves and to others – someone who they are not. As they perfect this image they develop for themselves, they come to the point that they themselves can’t differentiate anymore between the “real them” and the image they have created for themselves.

Let me give you an example: Jim has a low self-esteem; he feels less competitive than others and unsuccessful relative to others. And, to add to it, he feels he is not worth – as long as he doesn’t have a partner and a relationship.

But – and here comes the hardest point – Jim feels that no one will truly love him for who he is. After all, who might be interested to develop a relationship with an unsuccessful person, who is insecure, who will be clinging to his partner like a branch to a tree?

So what does Jim do to camouflage this situation, to present himself as someone different, as someone who is not him, as someone who might attract a little bit more attention from others? You

What Jim did – consciously or unconsciously – was to create an image of himself as a person who is all-love, totally-giving and caring for others; a person who is there 100% for others, willing to give to others (especially his partners!) as much love as well as financial support if need be. To say it simple: Jim has put a mask on his face of a person who is, to say it simply: “the perfect partner”!

Are you also one who puts a mask on your face in order to get love and attention?

The funny side of this story is, that if you – just like Jim – develop such an image of yourself, you begin to forget who you really are. You walk around, meeting people, making friends and developing partnerships, as if you are indeed this perfect partner.

Initially you are successful: those around you see you as the person you present yourself to be, not the person that you really are. They see you as the all-loving, caring person, not the insecure, needy one that you really are.

Hence – you have reached your goal!

Or have you? Since, in the long run, as you get involved in serious intimate relationship, the “real you” pops up, comes out, surfaces, and your partner begins to see the real you.

Your partner might then feel cheated; disappointed; surprised; disbelieving: are you the person he/she has begun going out with? And after some time, as your partner begins to realize that you are a walking mask, he/she might get angry (at both you and him/herself for letting him/herself be cheated!), and with all probability will cut off the relationship.

Why don’t you “get to your senses”, decide to shed off your mask and be “who you really are”?

* First, you have become so accustomed to your mask that you feel it has become you. You are your mask.

* Second, you are scared to death that without your mask you will project to others the exact personality you are trying to run away from: the insecure; needy; unsuccessful; etc.

*Third, you have by now developed your ways of behaviour – your mask’s ways of behaviour! – to such an extent, that they have become your patterns, your habitual ways of presenting yourself to the world, to the point that it is almost impossible for you to change!

So when one relationship ends you immediately begin looking for a new partner, telling yourself that, by some “mysterious” ways your destiny is one of being unsuccessful with relationship; of being one who is always being left; one which is always disillusioned with relationships. Oh well, you tell yourself, “is there anything I can do to change such predetermined destination?”

But believing in predetermined destination, and not wanting to take the blame on yourself, you don’t make any attempt to change.

And this is a common reaction: in general, people usually don’t change, in spite of encountering repeated failures. They blame others; they blame destination; they negate thinking they have done anything wrong.

… and they keep going, keep striving to succeed, finally, finding a good, healthy, long-lasting relationship…

… only to fail once more.

How can you stop the unproductive cycle and make a change for the better

It is only when:

* you are willing to carefully consider your part in the continuous failure of your relationships;

* that you get up the courage to observe yourself and understand what has motivated and driven you to put on a mask;

* that you want to understand – once and for all – what needs and issues drive your endless unsuccessful attempts at relationships –

that you might embark on a productive and efficient way to make a positive change in the way you handle yourself and in the way you project yourself to yourself and to others around you.

This process of getting to know “who you really are”, accepting yourself (without a mask!) and getting to understand the issues which have driven you until now to sabotage your relationships is called Self-Awareness. This is the single most important process you can embark on if you truly wish to get in touch with “who you really are”, with your issues and needs, with your escape routes and damaging behavioural patterns and embark on empowering yourself to finally find a partner with whom you’ll be able to develop a healthy, mutual, loving relationship.