Month: February 2016

Why Do People Really Want to Get Married

r4According to the Bible, God created man who will rule over the rest of His creations. On the sixth day of His Creation of the Earth, He made Adam. But when He found out that Adam is feeling lonely, He first made the animals for him; but still, Adam felt lonely. So God made him fall asleep, pulled one of his ribs, and then created Eve; and finally, Adam felt happy (Genesis 2:18-23).

Such excerpt from the Holy Scriptures tells us that man has a natural longing for a life partner, with its core concepts varying over time and across cultures and subcultures. But some people tend to become desperate in finding for their other halves – hopeless romantics as they say – to the point that their situations become worse than expected.

Going loco over having as spouse, or at least a boyfriend or girlfriend, has its own aspects similar to that of a human being. Whether a certain reason is good or bad depends on the specific aspect it is connected.

PHYSICAL ASPECT: Some women regard themselves as “damsels in distress” in need of their “knights in shining armor.” In modern talk, these women prefer men of bodyguard material – tall, handsome, mature-looking, and beefy. They think of themselves as Whitney Houston in “The Bodyguard,” or Adele herself. In short, these ladies expect for guys willing to be beside them most of the time – if not ALL the time.

Intimate relationships start with two people present in each other’s eyes physically or virtually (over the Web). But demanding too much of physical presence to your partner, on the other hand, is not really good for you and your relationship.

MENTAL ASPECT: Whether a person is in a relationship already or not yet, too much longing for someone’s physical presence can affect his/her mental health. Aside from physical dependence to his/her partner or relationship prospect, obsession can also occur wherein the person stalks the other and feels threatened to anyone the latter is meeting including immediate family members. In the case of being in a relationship already, the person can also become manipulative in all forms to his/her partner.

EMOTIONAL ASPECT: Hopeless romantics tend to show actions and reactions that cannot be easily explained and justified by themselves. The most common emotional manifestation among them is jealousy – which is somewhat acceptable in some cultures, particularly Latino and Asian, with the belief that it is just a normal thing in any intimate relationship. But the feeling of jealousy by a person of single status for his/her relationship prospect would not be a normal thing on the other hand. Such person tends to attack everyone the other meets with, including immediate family members, face to face, over the phone, and/or even on social media.

The physical, mental, and emotional aspects of desperation towards having a life partner have significant connections with each other. A person who is dependent, obsessed, and feels jealous towards the one he/she “loves” is like a lovebird with no partner. Lovebirds are designed naturally to live in pairs; and in a certain pair, if one bird dies, the other will react negatively with the situation, causing it to die also. Humans are no lovebirds – and should not be – for the earlier have actually their innate abilities to train themselves in living independently and establishing good camaraderie with others; thus good relationships would be formed.

ECONOMIC ASPECT: Wealth sharing is one of the key concepts of marriage – yet it is not an ideal and valid reason to form a marriage or even an intimate relationship. Moreover, wealth should not be the ultimate or even sole criterion for a person to choose his/her life partner.

A person who prefers someone of high socioeconomic stature (e.g. A-list celebrity, politician, high-roller) to be his/her life partner is called a social climber. Lower- to middle-class people engage into social climbing primarily to “climb” themselves up the socioeconomic strata; and relationships formed from social climbing usually have no intimacy involved. Most marriages between two people who both have high socioeconomic statuses also lack in intimacy – the ultimate goal of such marriages is to preserve the wealth and stature of themselves and their families.

SOCIAL ASPECT: The worst part of desperately getting married or being in a relationship lies on its social aspect. Peer pressure is one of the worst factors that contribute to an unhappy marriage or relationship; and its most common form is what we can call as the social deadline. By popular belief, men should get married up to their thirties, and women at their twenties, or else their chances of being single forever will become bigger. Moreover, media has (either unintentionally or deliberately) influenced tweens to enter into intimate relationships as early as their ages – which lead to juvenile pregnancies with some ending up with abortion.

Summing it all up, the biggest reason why some people are desperate to get married or be in a relationship is the need for SECURITY in all aspects. Hopeless romantics tend to become dependent to other people, go frenzy and freak out easily when undesirable things happen, and get driven easily with the “norms” of the world. The best way, according to them, to deal with these issues is to be in an “ideal” relationship and commit themselves to an “ideal” marriage – a not-so-good “idea.” Lack of self-security among hopeless romantics means low self-esteem, thus having issues on inferiority.

A Power We All Wield, Yet So Often Don’t Understand

r3OH HOW much power we each have!

We don’t know or realise, most of the time, just about every given moment, our influence. Without even trying, we, ‘the powerless’, wield such great power. Power of the tongue, influence through action and inaction, the choice of acceptance and rejection, actors for impact every interactive moment of our lives.

We have a very real power extant in our interpersonal relationships. Power to commend and to condemn, to usher kindness and cruelty, to encourage and to exasperate, to delight someone and to dishearten them.

At times I’ve been criticised for emphasising encouragement over challenge. I’ve just seen enough of the hardships of life to know that God does much more in most lives these days through encouragement than he does through challenge, not that challenge is inappropriate. It has its time and place and point. But if challenge is going to be used by God it will be on-time, on-target, and on-point; we only need to be one degree off and that challenge comes off as a damaging criticism. Sure, God can and does use criticism to grow us, but speaking the truth in love needn’t be sloppy. In fact, it isn’t. And even as I write these words I’m so well aware of the power I’ve wielded in cutting people down, past and present. I’m grateful these days that most of the time I’ve got some awareness of insight, the Holy Spirit’s voice, so I can hurry into the operative elements of a fivefold apology when I speak words and do actions that damage. I’m reminded how damaging it is when I hear people use their power to cast aspersions about others. To judge them, or slander their name.

Why Do Some People Try Hide Their Partner From Their Ex

r2When a relationship comes to an end, one can decide to take a break and to spend time by themselves. Through doing this, it can allow them to process the pain that they are experiencing, and then to gradually settle down.

This can then be a time when they will be healing themselves, and this will give them the chance to find someone who is right for them. However, even if one is not in pain, taking a step back can also lead to the same outcome.

On the Rebound

Alternatively, one could leave a relationship and then find someone more or less straight away. When this happens, they are not going to take the time to face how they feel, and this means that they could end up with someone who is not a match.

Now, this could mean that it is only a matter of time before one realises that they don’t have a connection, or it could be far worse. For example, one could end up with someone who is abusive.

A Pattern

If one ends up with someone who they don’t have a connection with, it might not bother them in the short-term. This is primarily because they are not looking for a relationship; they are simply looking for someone to distract them from how they feel.

Yet if they end up with someone who is abusive, it is going to cause them to experience even more pain. Still, there is the chance that they have just left someone who is just as abusive.

Two Experiences

When it comes to the former, it will give one the chance to avoid themselves, and this could cause them to believe that they have moved on. The past is behind them, and there is then no reason for them to process the pain that is within them.

But when it comes to the latter, one is likely to come to the conclusion that they have ended up with someone who is the same. Now, this is not to say that they will look into what is taking place within them, as they could be focused on the external world.

Hopeless

As a result of this, one could believe that they have no control over their life, and it will then be normal for them to feel like a victim. In their eyes, every man/woman could be the same, and their life is not going to be very fulfilling.

If one ends up with someone who isn’t a match, they could simply find someone else. It is likely to be easier for one to handle this, and this comes down to the fact that one is not with someone who is abusive.

A New Beginning

Having said this, there is also the chance that one will leave a relationship and end up with someone who is right for them. When this takes place, it could be a sign that one was no longer attracted to the person they were with.

Due to this, they wouldn’t have experienced pain when they left them; or if they did, it wouldn’t have been very strong. Alternatively, the connection that they had with the other person might have ended long before the relationship came to an end, and this can mean that they won’t experience loss.

A Grey Area

What this comes down to is that this is not something that is black and white, and that there are a number of different outcomes that can arise. Still, what can be said is that if one is still attached to the person they were with, it won’t be possible for them embrace another relationship.

One way of looking at this would be to say that their body will be with them, but their heart won’t be. This is not to say that the person they are with will notice what is taking place, as they could believe that they have let go of the past.

The Reason

The person they are with could also be in the same position, and this means that it won’t stand out. At a deeper level, there is the chance that this is what feels comfortable, and if one was to change, they might back away.

Yet if they were to see that one is still attached to their ex, they could overlook what is taking place. Through being attached to them, it is then going to stop them from being able to face reality.

The Evidence

One thing that could show that one is still attached to their ex is that they could spend a lot of time talking about them. One is then no longer with them, but they act as though they are still together.

If an outsider was to listen to the kinds of things that they talk about, they might soon see that one hasn’t moved on. Along with this, one could try to hide their partner from their ex, and this is likely to lead to conflict.

For Example

There will be what takes place in real world, and then there will be what takes place online. When it comes to the real world, one might ignore their partner when their ex is around, or they could come across as distant.

They might also avoid going to certain places, or they could only spend time together when they are away from others. When it comes to the online world, one might not have any pictures on social media where they are with their partner, or they could stop their ex from seeing them.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this, they could take the time talk to their partner about what is taking place. This is not to say that they have to criticise their partner; what it means is that they can open up about how they feel and what they have seen.

Do Some People’s Childhoods Set Them Up To Keep People At A Distance

r1​There are some people who are able to connect with others, and then there are others who are unable to do so. When one can do this, there is a strong chance that they are going to be used to having people in their life that they are close to.

One on side this could mean that they will have a number of close friends, and on the other side it could also mean that they are in an intimate relationship. Yet even if they are not with someone at this point in their life, it doesn’t mean that their life is always this way.

A Partner

If they are with someone, they are likely to find that they can spend time with them without feeling as though they are losing themselves. As a result of this, it will allow them to share their own life and for the other person to do the same.

One will be able to fulfil their needs, and this is naturally going to have a positive effect on their wellbeing. And as they are able to maintain their sense of self around their partner, it will also be possible for them to enjoy the time when they are not in their presence.

Boundaries

One way of looking at this would be to say that one has good boundaries, and this is why they can let other people into their life. Through having them, one can not only let people in; they can also let them in without feeling overwhelmed.

But if an outsider was asked if they could see one’s boundaries, they might not be able to see how they are any different to someone that doesn’t have them. What this comes down to is that they would need to pay attention to their behaviour in order to realise that one has them.

One Experience

Therefore, if someone was asked to pay attention to their behaviour, they might soon begin to see that one has good boundaries. They would see that having them makes it a lot easier for one to experience intimacy with their close friends and to have an intimate relationship with someone.

During this time, they could see that one also has a close connection with their family, or if this is not the case, they won’t allow them to take advantage of them. Ultimately, they will see that one can embrace life through having them.

Another Experience

At the same time, someone could pay attention to their behaviour and they could end up feeling uncomfortable. They could believe that one gets too close to others, or that they don’t get close enough.

Having said that, they could wonder what it would be like to experience life in the same way, and this will then be a time when one will think about why they are experiencing life differently. Based on these two experiences, it could be said that one is either aware of their need to connect to others or they are not aware.

Alternatively

Still, this is doesn’t mean that one can’t be aware at certain times and unaware at others, as it is not this black and white. For example, one could want to get close to another and when this happens, they could soon experience the desire to get away.

After this has taken place, they could disconnect from their need to connect to others, and it will then be normal for them to spend time by themselves. Or they could avoid others and after a while, they might begin to wonder what it would be like to connect to them.

A Challenge

When one is unable to connect to others without losing themselves, it is going to be difficult for them to let people into their life. However, if one is aware of why they can’t let people in, it will give them the chance to do something about it.

Yet if they are out of touch with what is taking place within them, they can end up believing that they have no control over their life. It is then not that they are stopping people from coming in; it is that other people don’t want to spend time with them.

Short-Term Pain

When it comes to the former, one could reach out for external support, and this will then allow them to look into why they keep people at a distance. As to how long this process takes can depend on a number of different factors.

Nevertheless, no matter how long it takes, it will stop them from having to experience life from the sidelines. Their need to connect to others will finally be fulfilled, and this will have a big effect on their life.

Long-Term Pain

When it comes to the latter, one will carry on doing the same thing, and they will continue to suffer. They might believe that other people have something they don’t have, or that they are being punished.

At a deeper level, one could believe that they are not good enough; they could then spend a lot of their time trying to achieve things. When it comes to how they feel, they may be used to feeling angry, hopeless and powerless.

Conflict

As it is part of being human to want to connect to others, it can be hard for one to understand why they would have trouble doing so. What this can show is that their boundaries were not respected during the beginning of their life.

During this time, one may have experienced some kind of abuse, and this would have caused them to believe that other people are a threat to their survival. As a result of this, it will be vital for them to make sure that other people don’t get too close.

Out of Touch

The years will then have passed and one will have lost touch with what took place, but these experiences will still be defining their life. What is taking place in their life can then be seen as a result of what it taking place externally as opposed to what is taking place within them.

Thus, until one is able to bring their attention to what is taking place at a deeper level, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily. They will experience pain if they face themselves, but what this will do is give them the opportunity to transform their life.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they may need to work with some kind of therapist. This can be a time where they will be healing trauma and working through an emotional build-up within them.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. His current projects include ‘A Dialogue With The Heart’ and ‘Communication Made Easy’.